The State of Me  

Posted by Jessica

When I walked into a 7th grade class for the first time, my teacher, who I still talk with, said I carried a chip on my shoulder, a rather large chip. It's hard to hide that chip when you hate the world. 7th grade was a rough year, one of the roughest. Aside from the transition from elementary school to junior high, I had to deal with problems at home. The problems at home darkened my life and the world to a point where there was very little light that I could see. I desperately clung to a future, I hoped and prayed, that would bring better days.

Eight years later, when I met my best friend for the first time, I still carried that chip. I was angry and defensive. I was set off at the drop of a hat. But my best friend helped chip away at the chip. Though I pushed her away, hurt her, and tried to chip away at it myself, I soon realized I was fighting a battle I couldn't fight alone.

When I became closer to a former co-worker last semester, she told me that when she first met me, she knew I had experienced "a tragic past." While she didn't mention seeing a chip, she mentioned seeing walls I had built up, walls built up very high and very deep. The walls and my "smart ass" comments were easy identifiers for her to pinpoint that I had experienced "a tragic past."

When I was 12, 20, and 25, I had significant experiences that reminded me that even though I had run as fast and as far away as I could from a past that was all too tragic, I couldn't run away from everything. And though I have had many experiences and daily realizations of this, these three experiences and/or friendships are ones I reflect on often.

The state of me is that I am still too angry, too defensive, too impulsive and too insensitive. I still carry a chip and the walls I've built up are tall and deep and will be around for a lot longer. The state of me is that I have learned many defense mechanisms which are destroying precious friendships and I can't just choose to not do what I've learned to do and what I've been doing most of my life. The state of me is that I hate hurting the people I love and yet I do it all of the time. The state of me is that I have a mountain to climb and I'm scared to death the people I need to climb with me won't be there. The state of me is that when I am hurt, I hurt back, and I get to a bad place I can't afford to go to.

The state of me is that I am a survivor and just trying to navigate this world. The map I use isn't perfect and has led me to some bad places, but I keep moving on, trying to find where I belong and trying to discover who I am while on this journey.

"You can't fail if you don't give up." The Last Kiss


this is for sure the best glimpse of who you are that you have left on your blog. I especially like the quote at the end**

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