"You're not even grateful, are ya?" Nathaniel

"Grateful? For the worst freaking experience of my life." David

"You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well let me tell you...Let it go. Infinate possibilities and all he can do is whine..." Nathaniel

"Well what am I supposed to do?" David

"What do you think? You can do anything you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?" Nathaniel

"It can't be so simple." David

"What if it is?" Nathaniel

"Friendship is supposed to add to your life, not take away from it. It shouldn't be so hard. Let it go." Tom.

"I know." Me

When I walked into a 7th grade class for the first time, my teacher, who I still talk with, said I carried a chip on my shoulder, a rather large chip. It's hard to hide that chip when you hate the world. 7th grade was a rough year, one of the roughest. Aside from the transition from elementary school to junior high, I had to deal with problems at home. The problems at home darkened my life and the world to a point where there was very little light that I could see. I desperately clung to a future, I hoped and prayed, that would bring better days.

Eight years later, when I met my best friend for the first time, I still carried that chip. I was angry and defensive. I was set off at the drop of a hat. But my best friend helped chip away at the chip. Though I pushed her away, hurt her, and tried to chip away at it myself, I soon realized I was fighting a battle I couldn't fight alone.

When I became closer to a former co-worker last semester, she told me that when she first met me, she knew I had experienced "a tragic past." While she didn't mention seeing a chip, she mentioned seeing walls I had built up, walls built up very high and very deep. The walls and my "smart ass" comments were easy identifiers for her to pinpoint that I had experienced "a tragic past."

When I was 12, 20, and 25, I had significant experiences that reminded me that even though I had run as fast and as far away as I could from a past that was all too tragic, I couldn't run away from everything. And though I have had many experiences and daily realizations of this, these three experiences and/or friendships are ones I reflect on often.

The state of me is that I am still too angry, too defensive, too impulsive and too insensitive. I still carry a chip and the walls I've built up are tall and deep and will be around for a lot longer. The state of me is that I have learned many defense mechanisms which are destroying precious friendships and I can't just choose to not do what I've learned to do and what I've been doing most of my life. The state of me is that I hate hurting the people I love and yet I do it all of the time. The state of me is that I have a mountain to climb and I'm scared to death the people I need to climb with me won't be there. The state of me is that when I am hurt, I hurt back, and I get to a bad place I can't afford to go to.

The state of me is that I am a survivor and just trying to navigate this world. The map I use isn't perfect and has led me to some bad places, but I keep moving on, trying to find where I belong and trying to discover who I am while on this journey.

"You can't fail if you don't give up." The Last Kiss

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love
anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and
possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it
intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to
an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and
little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe
in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that
casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable." C.S. Lewis

This is a postcard that was sent into Postsecret and was posted on Postsecret a few months ago.

By Jeff Robinson

Today and tomorrow, students at Idaho State University are voting whether to support a $12 million expansion to the school's gym.

The upgrade would double the size of the weight room and cardio room at Reed Gym. It would also nearly double student fees, increasing them from $29 a semester to $56. "We've had a decline in enrollment the last two semesters," said graduate student Jessica Cavalieri, "and the students didn't really have any input on what the Reed Gym options would be, and I think the students should have an input."

Click here for the rest of the article and for the video of me talking.

I might be on the news tonight. News channel 3 in Pocatello interviewed me about Reed Gym Option 2. Check it out at 10pm if you live in southeastern Idaho.

Jessica (2:52:22 PM): the mormons called me this morning
Krista (2:53:11 PM): did they notice you werent at services?
Jessica (2:53:27 PM): HA
Jessica (2:53:40 PM): they asked if i had done my "visiting teaching" this month
Jessica (2:53:49 PM): i was like, "uhhhhh, nooooo."
Krista (2:54:18 PM): lol


You can really only enjoy this if you know my status with the Church.

So I read this blog, Dear Leader's Daily Thought. It hasn't been updated in a while, but I read the last entry posted and had a good laugh:

now ther is this groop that my dad set up... wich is suposed to give me some adise about iraq...

an i rememmer wen i went to sit with them a spell... an talk about free dom... an i tole them that i am gonna keep us over there in iraq until we had total victry... an i dint want to here any cut an run talk... an i waved my wisky botle at them so they culd see i meen bisinss...

"I miss her."

"I know you do."

I have been pretty good at blogging everyday, or just about everyday. However, I've been caught up in the student elections which take place next week. A very good friend of mine is running for President, but I am not voting for him. I am voting for the Knapp/Olson ticket and if you see me anytime in the next 5 days, I'll be wearing a bright yellow "Because I Matter" shirt with "VOTE Knapp/Olson" on the back.

This is a ticket I truly believe in. This semester, I've been able to attend all but one senate meeting. I've seen Senator Knapp and Senator Olson vote. I've heard what they've said with my own ears. I can say with certainty that they truly care about ISU and its students. I spent almost 4 hours with them painting two windows in the student union building and witnessed their concern for the future of ISU.

I will leave you with this quote:

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Rilke

I just posted another comment over at Red State Rebels. Here is the meat of my comment:

The hard core Dems, who have $75 burning a hole in their
pocket, will come to the banquet and won't really be upset
that we couldn't get Schweitzer or Tester.

However, while I am a hard core Dem, I don't have the resources
to attend every event in this state. I have to be selective, but
I will attend an event that features a speaker I WANT to hear.
I've proven this by taking trips to SLC, Boise, Twin Falls,
Seattle, and D.C.

I am getting really tired of Democrats in this state telling me that I am not supporting the party if I don't attend this event. Hey, maybe if you charged students a lower price or let them in for free, or made outreach efforts to our club, maybe then, we wouldn't mind that Inslee is speaking and we wouldn't mind spending a majority of our club funds on one event.

Show support for the party members and the party members will then show support for the party. I know there are many Democrats who don't feel any support from the state party. Thank God we have legislators and local leaders who do show support for us. Without this, I highly doubt the ISU College Dems would exist and we certainly wouldn't flourish. We flourish despite the lack of support and recognition from the state party.

Peace Takes Courage. I particularly like this section.

Julie at Red State Rebels (the best Idaho blog out there) is reporting that Jay Inslee is going to be the keynote speaker at the Frank Church Banquet. Please, someone grab a hose and hose me down, I am just way too excited, NOT. Though I hail from Washington State, I am just not excited about this. Seriously, this is the best they could do? According to some, Richard Stallings walks on water, but apparently any connections he had couldn't pull through to bring a bigger name. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised like I was last year with Loretta Sanchez. However, I'm not counting on it.

All hate mail can be directed here. :)

UPDATE: If you click here, you can read how I pissed off at least one person and possibly several. I don't think my bluntness is appreciated by many in Idaho. However, the truth hurts!

I called my mom, since she still lives in the Seattle area. Nope, she's never heard of him. Am I surprised? Not in the least. My mom isn't very political, however, she votes and she isn't completely naive to who is running things. I read my mom the comment from "Democrat" and my mom replied, "Geez. Don't go if they are acting like that!"

I also spoke with two active and smart College Dems. Neither of them have heard of Jay Inslee. I think the club may look into attending the Jefferson-Jackson Dinner in May in Salt Lake City. Though I received a very rude response from the Utah Democratic Party Vice-Chair, Rob Miller.

It feels like the Utah Democratic Party appreciates the College Democrats more than the Idaho Democratic Party does. Of course this is just my opinion and experience. Let me add that many of our legislators have visited with the club and many candidates came to visit us last year. I love the Bannock County legislators and I love several other Democratic legislators. I have a deep appreciation for the Democrats who come to our meetings, as well as the Bonneville County Democrats and Bannock County Democrats. Their support is much appreciated.

Last Friday night, the ISU College Dems and Bannock County Democrats Central Committee sponsored Pizza and Politics. We had 7 legislators in attendance. 3 from Bannock County, 2 from Boise, 1 from Idaho Falls(!!!) and 1 from Lewiston. I hadn't met any of the non-Bannock County legislators and so I was excited to meet them.

I was most impressed with Nicole LeFavour from Boise. She was very down to earth and very kind. I showed her the new posters I created for the College Dems and she absolutely loved the quote we are using. We had a fun conversation about things and I was glad to have met her.

We had a good turnout. Slightly more than last year. I was disappointed that more ISU students didn't attend. It was, after all, on campus and we were offering free pizza. I was embarrassed and infuriated that no student leaders on campus attended. I know there was a magic show during the same time on another part of campus, but come on! I am half-tempted to go before the Senate tomorrow and give them a tongue lashing.

The student senators have been urged to contact their legislators on behalf of students and ISU and yet we have 7 legislators on our campus and no one attends...one senator stood outside of the room for about 10 seconds and then went home. Pathetic. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. This is the same senate, who, during their caucus, couldn't find one member of the senate who knew what JFAC stood for.

Before I sound too negative on the student senate, there are a few senators who I think are amazing. They truly understand their role as student senators.

And before I forget, I want to give a shout out to my College Dems. We had an amazing turnout on friday. Pizza and Politics can be long and boring, but my Dems sat through it, on a friday night, no less. There have been College Dems in the past who felt like they were too good to sit with us at events, but all of the College Dems sat together on friday. We combined a few tables and enjoyed hearing our wonderful legislators talk.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You
will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight
with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things
an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too
many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never
been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a
minute of happiness you'll never get back."

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver

Perhaps the most accurate thing that has ever been written about me is that I "feel emotional pain exquisitely." The same person also said that the "smallest slight feels intensely painful." It's true, every word of it. What ordinary people see as nothing to be upset about, is something I see as deeply upsetting and personal.

Perhaps this explains my blow ups the last few weeks and why I just couldn't keep it inside any longer. For the last few months, I have encountered several "slights" and several acts of cruelty. I put up with it for a long time. I put up with it because I really felt that the benefits of putting up with it outweighed the costs. I put up with it because I was trying to be empathetic and sensitive to the other person involved. The empathy and sensitivity ran out last month.

There was an anger and hurt I was trying to suppress, suppress for myself and the other person, but I couldn't fight it any longer and I blew up, several times. I apologized after the first round because I truly felt that my actions couldn't be justified because of another person's actions and/or inactions. I was naive and stupid to think I had enough willpower to actually put those words into action, at least during this period of my life.

Nevertheless, I posted that quote from Theodore Roosevelt because I feel it applies to me in this situation. I did try. I tried even when my actions were rebuffed, criticized and ignored at every turn. I tried even when my heart was broken and my trust was shattered. I tried and I am damn proud of myself for it.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points
out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds
could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who
comes short again and again, because there is no effort
without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive
to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great
devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at
the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt

Today at ISU was the spring Student Organizations Fair. Of course the College Dems had a table, but surprise suprise, so did the College Republicans. They were giving away the book, "Who's Deceiving The Liberals" as well as color pamphlets on why they should join the College Repubs and a short story that was utterly ridiculous. I might just have to find it and post it here for some good laughs. Anyway, Planned Parenthood of Idaho was on campus today giving away free condoms and other stuff and they were placed next to the College Republicans table! It was hilarious and I think some of the College Republicans wet themselves when they saw PPI coming their way.

A member of the College Dems approached the president of the College Repubs and asked why they hadn't answered The Bengal's Editor in Chief's request for each club to submit an article about an issue (education, environment, etc) each week. The president said he was too busy (aren't we all?). Apparently their club only has one member, the president, who is willing to write a short article in the paper that talks about what the Republicans stand for! And apparently he doesn't see fit to present the idea to his membership to see if anyone is willing to contribute. Last semester when the president wrote an article, it was so full of lies, half-truths and distortions, I had to laugh. He was blaming the small number of Democrats in the legislature on the state of education in Idaho. How does that make any sense? He also said the recession started under Clinton, actually, Mr. College Repubs President, it did not.

Another member of the College Dems asked the College Repubs what they do...the girl, a member of the club, said they helped Republicans during the election season and they do community service. When probed about what community service they have done, she couldn't name anything. I'm not really surprised, the College Repubs always seem to self-destruct and they don't really do anything, which might explain why they only have $300 in their account and why the College Dems have almost 10x that amount.

These are the committees I serve on:

Bannock County Democrats Central Committee
Bannock County Democrats Executive Committee
Richard Stallings Dinner Comittee
Candidate Search Committee for the Bannock County Democrats

And today I was asked to serve on the search for a Director of Office Institutional Research Committee. I was very flattered to be asked and consider it an honor to assist ISU in any way possible.

Earlier today, a chair of a certain department on campus was shocked that I am not going to law school. I told her I had considered it but didn't have concrete plans. She told me I must go. So I think I might take the LSAT's this summer and just see how I do.

I am currently enrolled in a doctoral level seminar class-American Political Behavior. We are spending the semester writing a paper and every few weeks turn in certain parts of the paper. I decided to study the Iraq War, surprise surprise.

What I will look at in my paper is the interplay between the media's coverage of the war and the declining support for the war. I think I might also include certain "milestones" and see if reaching these milestones had any effect on the public's support for the war.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I am open to hearing from you. I want this paper to be good enough to publish!

Every year, Democratic legislators from all over Idaho, travel the state and speak at "Pizza and Politics" events. Legislators typically stop in the more populated cities in Idaho, which of course includes Pocatello.

This year, at least 8 legislators will visit Pocatello this Friday, February 9th. A mutual decision was made by the ISU College Democrats and the Bannock County Democrats Central Committee to have Pizza and Politics on campus.

So, this Friday at 7pm in the Canoe Room on campus, come enjoy some free pizza and hear from some of your legislators.

It will feature almost all of Bannock County's legislators, Rep. Brandon Durst, Rep. Nicole LeFavour, Rep. Jerry Shively, and Rep. John Rusche.

"Don't you think that was cruel of her?" Me
"She passed the point of cruelty a long time ago." My friend responding to my question.

Ugh.

UPDATE: Took myself to the Doctor because my neck and shoulder started hurted pretty badly. They told me my trapezius was swollen and gave me a muscle relaxer, anti-inflammatory, and a pain medication. I have a party tomorrow so though I am drugged up right now, I am attempting to make my apartment presentable...I do okay if I keep moving but when I sit and take a break, it is hard to keep my eyes open and I feel the pain in my head, neck and left shoulder.

What a week...

For the first time in years, I walked home from class, a class I couldn't even attend, without listening to my iPod. I was so out of it, I don't really remember the walk and I certainly don't recall not listening to my iPod. I spoke with my professor and asked if I could miss class. He hugged me and said yes. I think he knew I was dealing with stuff and even if I sat in class, I wouldn't really be there.

I got home, took some medication and was pleasantly surprised to get a phone call from my friend. This is a friend I talk to every now and then, though we don't speak on the phone all that often. He made me laugh, put a smile on my face and brightened my night. As soon as I hung up with him, one of my good friends in Hawaii called me. I haven't spoken to him since October. I was so excited to talk to him and he put a smile on my face and had me laughing a lot, as well. After I got off the phone with him, I shopped a little with my best friend, and I got a phone call from one of my best friends who never ceases to make me laugh.

You know how they say "timing is everything"? It really is. The timing of these three phone calls was nothing short of a miracle for me.

I then headed to Waldenbooks to buy 4 books, 1 of which I desperately need right now.

What does tomorrow hold? I start counseling and I am scared as hell. But as my best friend texted me today, "It'll be ok." And it will.

"It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America." Molly Ivins

"It's like, duh. Just when you thought there wasn't a dime's worth of difference between the two parties, the Republicans go and prove you're wrong." Molly Ivins